PERIOD VI
FROM MY RETURN UNTO THE MERSE, TO MY
ORDINATION TO THE HOLY MINISTRY AT SIMPRIN

BEING thus returned home again, I had no occasion to go out of the town above a mile, until four Sabbaths were past ; and during that time, in the end of May and beginning of June, the thoughts of my uselessness were very heavy to me ; which put me to beg of God an opportunity to serve Him, whatever pains it should cost me to accomplish it. Howbeit I was not altogether idle on Lord's days, being employed mostly in Dunse, and once in Langton.
While this lay upon me as the main weight, I found myse beset with several other difficulties. The unacquaintedness of most of my friends with religion was grievous, and made their conversation but uncomfortable ; but my eldest brother Andre being a judicious man, and of experience in religion, was often refreshful to me. I had no heart to visit the ministers, knowing none of them I could unbosom myself to, save Mr. Colden at Dunse, and Mr. Dysert at Coldingham. The binding at my breast had returned, and I was seized with pains in my back and in the hinder part of my head, so that I began to apprehend, my time in the world might not be long ; and on that occasion I found I had some evidences for the better world, and was somewhat submissive to the divine disposal, in the case as appeared. Withal the consideration of the case of the land was heavy on me, and I had a sorry prospect of what might be come, so that I judged them happy, who, having done their work in the vineyard, were called home, and not made to see the dishonour done to God amongst us. Wherefore I was desirous be out of my native country again, and wished for a provident relief. [Memoirs of Thomas Boston]

Boston tempted to Carnality on a Lord's Day

On the 6th of June, there was a sacrament at Culross, which I had no mind to go to, upon the account of a carnal reason. On Saturday night, God reached me a reproof by one of the servant-women ; which filled me with confusion, set me to er, and to re-examine my reasons, which I found to be but consulting with flesh and blood. I went away therefore on the Lord's s day, was deeply humbled, and had very much ado with unbelief, struggling to get my feet fastened. But at the table my soul, I thought, met with Him in such measure, that oftimes I have remembered my God from Culross and Tulliallan, when He has hid His face from me. On the Thursday before I had kept a secret fast.[Diary of Thomas Boston]

Boston persevering through illness

That Sabbath-night I catched cold in my head while I sat at family Worship, by an open window, which I apprehend I had not observed. It issued in a suppuration in my left ear, and was for many days a grievous trouble to me. On the Saturday night after, my pain being very violent, I had a weary night of it; but being to preach in Clackmannan, I ventured in the morning to cause ring the bell, the pain being somewhat assuaged, and finding it would be a grievous affliction to me to have a silent Sabbath, the Lord's Word being the joy and rejoicing of my heart. In the issue I felt no pain in preaching, but was strengthened both in body and Spirit for my work. But I had a weary night of it again. [Thomas Boston]

Boston's conflicts

April 20, 2008

The bent of my heart to preach Christ continued all along, as I had opportunity: but for a considerable time I made with many rubs in my way. On the 2 of June, after prayer for a text, and help to study, I could fix on none, though I sought it till my body was weary and my spirit much dejected. Next morning my darkness remained, and nothing could gain clearness to me. Thus my heart being dejected through desertion, I went to prayer again; but my very heart and flesh were like to faint. Such was the grief of my heart, that I could not speak a word to God, after I had begun, but groaned to the Lord: I got words again, but was interrupted the same way, not being able to speak. I saw the misimprovement of former help still to be the cause of the Lord is pleading with me; but having so often confessed it, being grieved for it, etc., I thought there behoved to be something else; and some other thing I suspected, but could not fix on it. I thought I was most unworthy to be a preacher, and that it would be well done to silence me, as ignorant of the mystery of Christ: for, from the beginning of this exercise, it was always in my heart to preach Christ, and denying of ourselves to all things but Christ; and though it's succeeded ill with me, I durst not change my purpose. My soul being somewhat encouraged by that word, matt. XI 28, " come on to me, all Ye that Labour," etc., I was helped to believe in some measure, and conversed with God in prayer, and that word was bought to my mind for a text Saddam LXXIII. 25, "whom have I in heaven but Thee?" Etc. I had much difficulty in my studies on it. The word read in the ordinary at evening service, came pat to my case with a check, Hebrew XII. 5, "my son, despise not the chastening of the Lord," etc. My dejected frame of spirit often recurred, and was with me on the Lord's day morning, 4th June; at which time, in prayer, the Lord put in his hand at the hole of the lock, and my bowels moved for him; my heart was touched, and in a mournful mood I cried to him. Some time after I found I could not believe; and how shall I preach? Thought I: yet I thought I would venture, and lean on Christ; and this I thought was faith, notwithstanding my former denial. In the forenoon, I thought my heart was very unwieldy. In the afternoon I had several ups and downs in the very time of my work. My soul bear me witness, that I was not satisfied with ordinances without Christ. And after all was over, in my retirement, I was clear in that, though I many times fear I have never yet got sufficient discovery of Christ, yet whatever discovery I have had of him, I was satisfied to take Christ alone, and that I could not be satisfied without him, though I had the whole world, yea heaven itself. The Lord gave me such a sight of my own vileness, that when I looked to myself in that pulpit, I loathed myself, as unworthy to have been there with such whole heart, and without right uptakings of Christ. I examined myself on my desire of Christ, saying, what if it be merely from an enlightened conscience? But my soul said, it would desire him, though there were no fear of wrath; and though I had a dispensation for my most beloved lusts, I would not desire to make use of it. I thought I loved him for himself. I preached this day in Langton; and after the evening exercise Mr Dysert said to me, you would have done better to have gone to the west, beside Mr. Murray, for their you would have got a Kirk. My proud heart took this ill, and I had a secret dissatisfaction with my own lot, in that I was not settled. Reflecting upon this in secret, I observed, how in three things, since I came to this country, Satan has overcome me, even in those things that I preach against. 1. Preaching at Dunse, I preached against immoderate sleep as a great waster of time; and quickly after I fell into this. 2. Last Thursday I preached, that unwatchfulness was the cause why it is not with God's people as in times past; and the very same night my heart fell a roving. 3. At this evening exercise I lectured on Hebrew XIII. and particularly that word, "be content with such things as Ye have;" and immediately after this, dissatisfaction seized me, for which my heart abhors my heart. Wherefore being convinced of my danger, I resolved, in the Lords strength, from henceforth to make my sermons the subject of my Sabbath nights medication, and so to improve them for myself. [From Thomas Boston's Memoirs]